Won't you (Not) Be My Neighbor?

What I was originally going to blog about today was the crazy evening we had last Monday night when we were camping and a really bad storm struck.  But that can wait because I just met the neighbor across the corner from us.

How did I not know this was lurking just across the street?

I've seen her in her yard on a few occasions, but she's never said hello, or even responded to my friendly 'hey how's it goin' neighbor' waves.  The neighbors on the other side of us once told me that they thought she was a recluse, because no one had ever talked to her.  They said they'd lived here for 10 years and not once had she ever spoken to them. Hey, I'm cool with that.  If you don't want to talk to anyone in the hood then who am I to judge?  Besides, I'm not sure if I lived across the street from ME that I'd want to talk to me either.

But anyway, that all changed today.  Penelope and little P were out playing on their brand new Amish hand crafted swing set and I was supervising.  I noticed the shy neighbor was outside mowing her lawn.  Didn't think too much of it until I heard her mower abruptly stop and someone say,

"Hey! You! Mom lady!"

I glanced up and there she was, charging across the street towards me.  She had on purple jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe muscle tank.  When she got closer I could see that it said, "Hard Rock Cafe: Tightwad".  Huh, never heard of that one.

But look at that, there IS a Tightwad, Missouri.  I know a few people who should relocate.  Hehe.

"I have something VERY important to tell you," she tells me, slightly out of breath and with a wild look in her eyes.

"Okay, what's that?" I ask, wondering if before she tells me this important thing I should introduce myself to her.

"Well, you know this huge piece of land behind our houses?  It's 128 acres...did you know?   Anyway, I thought you should know that there are COPPERHEADS back there, they live in the dead brush and tall grass.  COPPERHEADS are very venomous and they could KILL YOUR SMALL CHILD."

At the mention of the word "kill" and "child" both my kids abruptly stopped playing on the Amish Wonder and became silent.

"Well thanks for letting me know that," I said.

"I just wasn't sure if you knew that because I have seen people visiting you with strange out of state license plates.  But your small son there could be killed by a large copperhead if it bit him."

Penelope:  "Little P you could DIE."
Little P: "I'm going to die?"

Me, (trying to diffuse the strange tension that was suddenly surrounding my offspring): Yes we know there are copperheads in Missouri, we know what they look like, I've seen them before.  We realized when we bought this house that living next to a large undeveloped piece of land would mean that native species could wander into our yard, but I think for the most part they try to stay away from people."

Neighbor: "But did you know about the homeless man?"

Me: "Um, no..."

Neighbor: "There's a rumor that there is a homeless man that has built a house in a tree out there somewhere.  I've never seen him but I've heard him before."

Me: Really?  What have you heard him doing?"

Neighbor: He sings at night, and sometimes yells.

Me: "Well I see a guy walking his dog back there a lot, but he lives four houses down from me.  He whistles....maybe that's what you have heard?"

Neighbor:  "No it's the homeless man.  If I were you I wouldn't let your kids play out here unsupervised."

Penelope:  "Will the homeless man kill me?"

Little P: "Can I live in  a tree?"

Do you think he has been able to survive the man eating copperheads?

Me: "Well  thanks for the tip...I'll keep my eyes peeled."

Neighbor: "My family room is in through that window right there," (she points at it,).  "I can see into your family room when your blinds are open at night,"

Me: :"um, okay."

Neighbor: "I have the same cellphone as you.  A white iphone."

Little P: "Do copperheads climb up slides?"

Neighbor: "Yes they can."

Me: "Well it was nice meeting you..."

Neighbor: "You haven't told me your name, so really we haven't met."

Me: "Oh yes, sorry, I'm Mrs. Drug."

Neighbor: "I'm Pat."

Me: "Okay Pat, it was nice meeting you.  Thanks for coming over and saying hi."

Pat: "Well just be sure to tell your gardener about the copperheads.  He can put down snake repellent    I think it's just human pee.  Or you could have your husband pee along the fence line."

Me: "Um, okay.  We'll look into it.

Little P:  "Does the homeless man pee in a toilet?  Or in his tree house?"

This is why Hemingway went crazy and bred eleven toed cats, or whatever..

Pat:  "Also, there is a graveyard back there.  They moved the headstones but not the bodies.  Just like in Poltergeist."

Penelope:  "What's Poltergeist?"

Pat:"The movie about the little girl who talked to the tv and got stolen by evil spirits."

Penelope:  "Was it a true story?"

Me: "Okay well we have to go eat lunch now."

Pat: "Okay, see you around."



Right now I'm sitting on the back porch and blogging, while my children play on the swing set we spent a small fortune on.  I'd rather be sitting at the kitchen table watching them out the window  but the kids won't let me out of their sight.  Something about ghosts, snakes and homeless men.

 A better mom than me would probably be working to reassure the kids that all is well and safe in their backyard wonderland, but not me, what I'm thinking is that this could come in handy at bedtime.

Thanks Pat.

Word to the Wise

So I’ve spent a good part of the last 24 hours thinking about Wisdom.  Deep for me, yes. Wisdom is something that we all talk about and yet, really don’t THINK about.  What is wisdom exactly?

I bet his beard is wiser than me

Yesterday I was in a team meeting with several people who are definitely wiser than me, and, what do you know, the topic was wisdom.  So I sat there, doe faced, and tried not to make an ass of myself, because quite honestly, I don’t think I’m what one could consider a very ‘wise’ person….and definitely not a wise mom…

There isn't just ONE way to baby proof a house folks!

But the meeting got me to thinking about wisdom and how the application or lack of application of wisdom defines us as human beings, and specifically moms.  Do better moms than me wake up each day, take stock of the situation, and apply mystical wisdom to their parenting techniques?  How the bleep do I know?  I DO know that if I was going to apply wisdom to my every day life it probably wouldn’t happen until at least noon, or, the time when I stop, take a breath, and remember to put on a bra and deodorant.

I’ve read a lot of wisdom literature over the years, and it always talks about how you can’t be wise unless you choose to seek wisdom.  But how do you do that?  What kind of wisdom are we talking about here?  If you’re not a better mom than me than you’ll understand what I mean when I say between the house, the kids, their school junk, their hygiene, and feeding them, there just ain’t a whole lot of leftover time to be meditating on the teachings of the wise.  I’m not saying it’s not a good thing to TRY to do, but I’m saying sometimes you have to bathe a child that smells like poop…that takes all the intellectual spunk right out of you, you know?

But what if wisdom is just CHOOSING to be wise, even if you aren’t sure HOW to be wise?  I can’t necessarily speak with great authority on Christian apologetics, or Eastern philosophies,  but I can tell you this……life is bleepin’ weird sometimes, and if you choose to imagine the worst about every situation you encounter, or every event that inconveniences you, then you are missing out on something big.

Jedi Big in fact

Someone told me the other day that my kids are just crazy funny.  I don’t think that’s true.  My perception of them might be funny, but they aren’t really any more entertaining than the average 13, 7 or 4 year olds.  But I have chosen to see them that way because the alternative is pretty dull and lifeless.  The truth is, life is pretty boring.  We all do the same things every day.  We get up, get the family out the door, clean, shop, work, whatever, and none of those things are especially fulfilling.  There just isn’t time to think about being wise, or deep, when everything that happens around you is mostly pretty shallow and lame.  However, it’s not really true.  We choose to perceive life that way because of some internal grumpy setting that humans seem to be born with.  Maybe it’s arrogance, or pride, or just boredom…heck if I know;  but I do know that if you aren’t careful you’ll wake up one day and believe that your whole life, the world has been out to get you….and by that point you're pretty bleeped.  


Wisdom is about choosing to see things the way the wise would see them.  You don’t have to be one of the wise, to see the world the way they do.  Being wise is imitating those who have gotten it right.  Maybe I’m lucky because I think most of the people I respect and care for seem to have already figured that out, and they let me hover and watch, without pointing out I have a LONG way to go.  Maybe someday I’ll have time to emulate their wisdom in ways that will effect more change than I can right now.   If I can get through this phase in my life by laughing away the dullness, the irritation, the crazy, maddening tide of repetition and chaos, well, then perhaps I’ll gain the wisdom to know what to do with wisdom, when I finally find it.

The Peace Table of Friendship

So let's talk about "Peace Tables of Friendship , and more specifically, the idea of  "Peace Table Conflict Resolution".  I had never heard of a peace table until a few days ago when Penelope's friend, Fiona, sent her a note and asked if they could schedule one together with their guidance counselor.

"Hey Penelope what's a peace table of friendship?"

"Oh that's a serious thing where we sit down with Mrs. Counselor at a peace table and talk about our friendship problems.  It's very important"

Damn we forgot the actual table

"Huh, that does sound important.  What else do you do at a peace table?"

"Well we think about why we are friends and how it's important to be peaceful.  Sometimes Mrs. Counselor lets us hug each other."

Interpretive dancing is optional but highly encouraged

Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember my first grade problems needing such severe intervention.  Sure, the fights over whether to play tether ball or ride the teeter totter were sometimes vicious, but the schools solved THOSE problems by just outlawing tether ball and teeter totters.  Have things these days gotten so bad?  Is our political culture so divisive that now first graders across the country are resorting to extreme measures?

Listen, your worldview is just not compatible with mine, I think it's time you find someone else to discuss your crazy agenda with...Maybe I'll see you around the kickball court...maybe..

Delilah is Fiona's mother.  I was sort of worried about what the problem between Fiona and Penelope really was, because Delilah is also my friend.  I figured we needed to get this worked out in case it put my friendship on the line.  The other thing about Delilah is that she's a children's pastor, which gives me legitimacy among people who would otherwise write me off.  It's easy to win people over because if you tell them you're good friends with a CHILDREN'S PASTOR then they figure you are only slightly quirky instead of a total degenerate. I'll be BLEEPED if  Penelope was going to screw up my " I have a good friend who is a pastor card".

"So, uh, Penelope, what is the problem with you and Fiona anyway?  Is it serious?  Are you guys at a point of no return?"

"Well, it's kind of a big problem mom."

"What is it?  Boys?  Jealousy?"

"No, it's about characters.  Characters and animals."

"I don't think I understand."

“Well, you know, it’s just been hard lately.  At recess Fiona wants us to be princesses, and I want us to be animals.  So sometimes I just do it mom…I just pretend to be an animal anyway and she ‘be’s’ a princess  anyway.  Then we fight.  It’s a big problem.”

Watching her friend pretend to be a princess instead of a Panda has left this child permanently scarred.  Her guidance office chose not to implement Peace Tables of Friendship.

  One website I read said that every Peace Table should contain a timer, an instrument of peace, a plant and worry beads.  I'm sorry, but...what?  This is an elementary school, not a crisis center.  I fully realize that a first grader WILL THINK that whether or not she must pretend to be a Panda or a Princess at recess is a BIG DEAL, but let's not reinforce their already brazen tendency to think they are the center of the universe by, MAKING THEM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!  Now I'm not one of THOSE parents who will go storming up to the school and ask them about their Hippie ideas.  Because, the truth is, I don't really care if Penelope and Fiona do a peace table twice a week.  But, you can BLEEPIN' well bet I'm going to make fun of it.  Because that's what I do.  And I'm obnoxious.  A better mom than me would say I'm picking on a beautiful conflict resolution idea.  I say it would be better with a peace pipe to share.  Now THAT would be fun.

I see a princess wearing a panda mask...or a panda wearing a princess mask...or...hey give me the pipe again.

However, maybe there is a lesson to be learned here.  If a peace table teaches Penelope to suck it up and be a princess if it means I can still hang out with Delilah without fear of our children destroying the ego of the other, well then I guess that's okay.  Because again, I enjoy playing the "I'm friends with a Pastor" card.   

Touche Peace Table..Touche.