Won't you (Not) Be My Neighbor?

What I was originally going to blog about today was the crazy evening we had last Monday night when we were camping and a really bad storm struck.  But that can wait because I just met the neighbor across the corner from us.

How did I not know this was lurking just across the street?

I've seen her in her yard on a few occasions, but she's never said hello, or even responded to my friendly 'hey how's it goin' neighbor' waves.  The neighbors on the other side of us once told me that they thought she was a recluse, because no one had ever talked to her.  They said they'd lived here for 10 years and not once had she ever spoken to them. Hey, I'm cool with that.  If you don't want to talk to anyone in the hood then who am I to judge?  Besides, I'm not sure if I lived across the street from ME that I'd want to talk to me either.

But anyway, that all changed today.  Penelope and little P were out playing on their brand new Amish hand crafted swing set and I was supervising.  I noticed the shy neighbor was outside mowing her lawn.  Didn't think too much of it until I heard her mower abruptly stop and someone say,

"Hey! You! Mom lady!"

I glanced up and there she was, charging across the street towards me.  She had on purple jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe muscle tank.  When she got closer I could see that it said, "Hard Rock Cafe: Tightwad".  Huh, never heard of that one.

But look at that, there IS a Tightwad, Missouri.  I know a few people who should relocate.  Hehe.

"I have something VERY important to tell you," she tells me, slightly out of breath and with a wild look in her eyes.

"Okay, what's that?" I ask, wondering if before she tells me this important thing I should introduce myself to her.

"Well, you know this huge piece of land behind our houses?  It's 128 acres...did you know?   Anyway, I thought you should know that there are COPPERHEADS back there, they live in the dead brush and tall grass.  COPPERHEADS are very venomous and they could KILL YOUR SMALL CHILD."

At the mention of the word "kill" and "child" both my kids abruptly stopped playing on the Amish Wonder and became silent.

"Well thanks for letting me know that," I said.

"I just wasn't sure if you knew that because I have seen people visiting you with strange out of state license plates.  But your small son there could be killed by a large copperhead if it bit him."

Penelope:  "Little P you could DIE."
Little P: "I'm going to die?"

Me, (trying to diffuse the strange tension that was suddenly surrounding my offspring): Yes we know there are copperheads in Missouri, we know what they look like, I've seen them before.  We realized when we bought this house that living next to a large undeveloped piece of land would mean that native species could wander into our yard, but I think for the most part they try to stay away from people."

Neighbor: "But did you know about the homeless man?"

Me: "Um, no..."

Neighbor: "There's a rumor that there is a homeless man that has built a house in a tree out there somewhere.  I've never seen him but I've heard him before."

Me: Really?  What have you heard him doing?"

Neighbor: He sings at night, and sometimes yells.

Me: "Well I see a guy walking his dog back there a lot, but he lives four houses down from me.  He whistles....maybe that's what you have heard?"

Neighbor:  "No it's the homeless man.  If I were you I wouldn't let your kids play out here unsupervised."

Penelope:  "Will the homeless man kill me?"

Little P: "Can I live in  a tree?"

Do you think he has been able to survive the man eating copperheads?

Me: "Well  thanks for the tip...I'll keep my eyes peeled."

Neighbor: "My family room is in through that window right there," (she points at it,).  "I can see into your family room when your blinds are open at night,"

Me: :"um, okay."

Neighbor: "I have the same cellphone as you.  A white iphone."

Little P: "Do copperheads climb up slides?"

Neighbor: "Yes they can."

Me: "Well it was nice meeting you..."

Neighbor: "You haven't told me your name, so really we haven't met."

Me: "Oh yes, sorry, I'm Mrs. Drug."

Neighbor: "I'm Pat."

Me: "Okay Pat, it was nice meeting you.  Thanks for coming over and saying hi."

Pat: "Well just be sure to tell your gardener about the copperheads.  He can put down snake repellent    I think it's just human pee.  Or you could have your husband pee along the fence line."

Me: "Um, okay.  We'll look into it.

Little P:  "Does the homeless man pee in a toilet?  Or in his tree house?"

This is why Hemingway went crazy and bred eleven toed cats, or whatever..

Pat:  "Also, there is a graveyard back there.  They moved the headstones but not the bodies.  Just like in Poltergeist."

Penelope:  "What's Poltergeist?"

Pat:"The movie about the little girl who talked to the tv and got stolen by evil spirits."

Penelope:  "Was it a true story?"

Me: "Okay well we have to go eat lunch now."

Pat: "Okay, see you around."



Right now I'm sitting on the back porch and blogging, while my children play on the swing set we spent a small fortune on.  I'd rather be sitting at the kitchen table watching them out the window  but the kids won't let me out of their sight.  Something about ghosts, snakes and homeless men.

 A better mom than me would probably be working to reassure the kids that all is well and safe in their backyard wonderland, but not me, what I'm thinking is that this could come in handy at bedtime.

Thanks Pat.