BLEEP on the Walls

A preschooler can reduce your bathroom to ^^ this^^  faster than  can you read this caption.

There comes a point in the life of every preschooler when you let them loose in the bathroom.  They’ve got potty training down, they understand the mechanics of the toilet flushing mechanism, and you’ve supervised them wiping their butts enough times that you’re ready to let them fly.  It’s a great moment.  

And it lasts all of 2 hours, or, until the next time you use the bathroom.

I think it’s safe to say that every mom has walked into a bathroom, discovered new horrors that she never before contemplated, and thinks, “That’s it, I’m supervising ‘dump taking’ from now until they are 18…the mess isn’t worth it.”

For some, the mess comes in the form of clogged toilets.  I’ve watched my kids wad up half the roll of toilet paper, only to gingerly touch the very outside of their butt, and accomplish nothing.  Take this times two or three per dump, and you suddenly have a real clog problem on your hands.

“Hey Little P,” I said a few weeks ago, “Let’s talk about moderation.”

“What’s that?”

“Moderation is when we try to not overdo something, like, not using half the roll of toilet paper when we go poop. “

At this point I showed him how about 4 or 5 sheets of toilet paper was very effective at getting the job done.

“But what if I touch my butt?” He asked with a worried look in his eye.

“That’s okay, that’s why we wash our hands.”

Now, let me delve further into the psyche of a preschooler.  Perhaps a large wad of toilet paper gives them the impression that they need not ‘work for it’ to get themselves clean.  Perhaps a more moderate amount of TP, ie, 4-5 sheets, gets them thinking something like this;

“Well, since I don’t have quantity on my side, my hands are going to have to do more of the work.”

I present to you, Exhbit A

I don't normally photograph BLEEP on the walls, but I had to text a picture to Mr. Drug.  I enjoy shocking him throughout the day.

“Hey Little P, What’s this on the wall?”

“Oh, well, I guess I’m not sure.”

“Could it be poop?”

“It could be.”

“Why is it on the wall?”

“Because my fingers get in the way.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

“I have too many fingers and not enough toilet paper.”

Do you think she has ever scrubbed BLEEP off the walls?

Have you seen moms in commercials who laugh when their kid spills purple grape juice on the white carpet, and just wink at the camera while they scrub the stain into oblivion?  What are those creative people smoking?  If you think I’m going to cheerfully scrub BLEEP off the wall while my kid plays with a ball in the background, then you must be a better mom than me.  You suck.  

“No more moderation,” I told him, “use as much toilet paper as you want.  I’ve got a better idea anyway.”

“What’s your idea mommy?”

“I’m going to teach you how to unclog a toilet.”